This is the new me. Not this blog you understand, this is just text on a page. I refer of course to a way of being. A word with integrity. A world observed and a life realised. Okay let me back up a little and tell you of the events that conspired to lead me to where I am. Where I choose life (to quote Trainspotting).
For many years I felt as though I was in a cocoon. I had a lack of direction, little drive and little focus. I would regularly move away from things that took me out of my comfort zone. I became a master of deflection. I was the star in a soap opera called the Arron show. I had scripts for people around me. They had their 'parts' to play in this movie. Of course if they didn't play them exactly how I had expected from my imaginary script then I would either get upset or change the person to someone who would fit the role much nicer. play their part. Then I could get on with playing my part. My interpretation of reality was not wrong, it was just causing me upset and 'suffering' on a constant basis. Up and Down, Up and Down. And yet... and yet... there was something.
Some part of me that could see this happening, even if in a limited way. So when the opportunity arose for me to take part in a course called the Landmark Forum I was interested. For three days I sat in a room with 100-150 other people from all walks of life and was offered tools with which I could calmly and objectively look at my life. It literally blew my mind. It took it off the shelf I had placed it on gave it a good blow to get all the dust and cobwebs out and then put it back for me to see. Of course this didn't literally happen. You know that right? (:
I got back from the Forum after the last night. I was on cloud 9. I spoke to my fiancé about it and was so excited about how I was going to change my life to one I have always wanted. I didn't actually know what that was yet, but I knew that I could now achieve whatever I set my mind to. She also had news. She told me that she had cheated on me a week before. Not quite what I was expecting. I went into physical shock and then went to leave the house. I was a mess. Just as I was leaving the house I remembered one of the principle teachings within the forum. There are the facts that happen and then there is our interpretation of them. This interpretation can lead us to live limited lives through only seeing our own perception. So stopping, I came back in and we talked and talked.
Since that time, we have split, but it has been an amicable split and we are still friends. But those two events on the weekend at the start of August started something in me. It bought me out of the cocoon and suddenly the world is different. I have wings now. (okay remember to not take me too literally with these analogies) I am being who I have always been, but now I can see limitations for what they are. Can talk to people frankly and with compassion, telling them my thoughts, but realising that they are only my thoughts. They are not me. Realising that I can have expectations but that expectations are not reality, they are just thoughts. In short realising that nothing matters unless I choose to make it matter. If I choose to make something matter then I am aware of that choice. Life is so incredibly simple. Being is so simple. But it takes work. It takes remembrance of the moment. It takes continual observation and stepping back from the ego and the emotions. It is a life long process. But what a life it will be now. I am going to make a difference. As Ghandi said "Be the change you wish to see". I am and I will continue to. If I fail sometimes at this, then okay, not to worry, just to realise it and get back to the moment and the realisation that I choose where I am, who I am and what I am doing.
So this blog is a facet whereby I can express my journey on being the change I wish to see. It is a commentary on me learning to fly. With wings I never knew I had, that we all have but so often do not use. It is a bid to change the world, beginning with myself. I am Being the Butterfly.
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