So I spent most of the afternoon mixing a track for a group. For those of you that don't know I am a sound engineer amongst other things. So, I gave it a couple of hours and really got what I thought was a good mix considering the time and money constraints. I sent it to the artists and they came back saying that they didn't like it and really slated my mix. Their manager who employed me also slated it. Okay fair enough. People like what they like, but this post is a chance for me to explore my dissapointment and frustration. I talked in the last post about context. I think that I have uncovered mine, or at least part of mine. "Most people are not good enough and they all judge me". This is quite often the context through which I see the world.
So they came to me with this mix. I spoke to them and listened to their mix and considered that they were not good enough. They didn't have the knowledge I have, or listening to their mix, the skills I have. Okay, yeah I get it, arrogant as anything right? So I worked on this mix thinking about the good i was doing to it. Again a subjective view propped up by my arrogance. I sent it to their manager all full of apparent contentment and waited for the praise. When he didn't get back to me I didn't really think anything of it. After all the band had to hear it too.
I got an email from the band:
"Hey I have just listened to the track and i have to say it doesn't meet our basic requirements, the bass is too much, I can't even hear the kick and the highats are to loud, but anyway i have to say thanks for taking interest in our project, I think we can sort the mixing down ourselves, i have discussed this with the band about the track and we have all decided that it is best we keep the original file as it is."
This put me in a really bad and depressed mood. My apparent contentment turned so quickly I didn't even see it change. I do use the word apparent for a particular reason. This contentment was not real contentment. It was built upon arrogance. I want people to like me. I want them to like my work. Actually I think that is true of almost everyone on earth to some degree or another. When they quite clearly don't (like my work in this case) why does it upset me so much. If I was truly content, why feel this way. Because my contentment has clauses. Like a contract. These must be met otherwise contentment quickly turns to... well, shit.
So a life on this kind of thinking, this kind of being is always going to be a swinging door of 'contentment' and disappointment. What goes up must come down. So what is the alternative?
Pride - 'a feeling of self-respect and personal worth'.
Proud 'feeling self-respect or pleasure in something by which you measure your self-worth'
So this would indicate that one should take pride but not be proud. After all if we measure our worth then there is an end to it. The is a finite amount of worth and we are forever working to be on the right side of it. With true personal worth there is no measuring; there is only knowing. What others think does not matter. It is what you alone are aware of, not what you think. For with thinking and words comes room for measurement, for arrogance for disappointment. Being, simply being is knowing. What others think cannot reflect upon that other than with a similar truthful knowing.
Well, I suppose that disappointment is something I create anyway. Why not create something else. I shall be calm now and at peace.
No comments:
Post a Comment