Ayahuasca, Shamans and the Sacred Valley

Before we begin...
I ask that if you choose to read this post that you to read what I have to say in the following paragraphs with an open mind. Please notice if you find yourself listening more to the running commentary in your head about rights and wrongs than really reading about my experiences to then to bring yourself back to an open mind. Also i ask that you not get too attached to the words I use throughout. I will try to explain them and their meaning to me if I find it relevant to do so. I offer these words with love and the hope that you may find some insights that you may apply to your own life. I would love to hear any thoughts or reflections you have after reading this.

From Arron

The Door of perception...

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On Wednesday this week I went Etnikas. The Cusco based company I had entrusted to introduce me to Ayahuasca. I got there at around 11am and went straight in to see the first of the three Shamans I would be spending some time with this day. This first Shaman, Angel, was a cool looking, slight, middle aged man. Clearly with self comfort and security. He had eyes that seemed to penetrate more than the body they looked upon. But he was very welcoming and very calm. We sat down to do a Coca Leaf reading and stones reading. I wanted to believe, I really did, but my head kept giving me thoughts about the power of suggestion and learnt observation of the body through NLP and observance of body language, voice tonality and word choice in ones subject when talking to them. But we went through the hour long ceremony and readings and however he was doing it, he seemed pretty accurate.
He told me things about myself and explained what Ayahuasca could do for me. What he told me isn´t important for you to get what I have to tell in this story of my experience. But what he saw in me and discussed with me he wrote down to pass to the Master Shaman who would be conducting our Ayahuasca ceremony later that night. To help them guide me to where I need to be.

From Arron

The Shaman´s Table for the first Ceremony

Ayahuasca(pronounced Ay-a-waz-ka)is a medicine that is derived from a vine that grows in the Amazon Jungle. It is only legal in a few places in the world of course including Peru. Used by Peruvians for thousands of years, since the Inca times. Chemically it contains the Psychoactive compound DMT or dimethyltryptamine. It is an incredibly powerful vision inducing plant that is only prepared by the Master Shamans who have many years experience preparing such potions. For example the outer layer of the vine is highly toxic and cannot be used. The parts that can be used are put into a ginormous cooking pot with loads of water and lots of other herbs and plants, all designed to work in harmony and unison together with each other and the human body. The ´brew´is then boiled for many hours until the Shamans are left with a liquid that has the consistency of milk and the taste of really bitter soya sauce. Well our one was anyway, I imagine that there are discrepancies depending on amounts of ingredients used and how it is prepared exactly.

From Arron

A Belgium Lady and I were the only two attending the retreat, her for three days me for five. In this time she would be taking part in two ceremonies, I in three.
We arrived at the retreat center in the Sacred Valley at around 2pm and were shown around the retreat center. It was beautiful. A large country house drawn away from the road down a long dirt track. An incredible view of mountains either side of the valley rose up from the river that snaked through the middle. The river, still swollen from the recent floods, offered a beautiful focal point in the middle of the valley. Just outside the house was a rustic patio surrounded by rounded rocks, herbs and shrubs. Two chairs and a table sat peacefully a few meters from the house. The grounds dropped away from the patio about three meters down and a path led down from the side to the lower garden where mats, rugs and cushions had been placed on the grass. To one side of the grass hummingbirds and dragonfly's played in the small thicket of corn. On the other side, a two seater wooden chair sat lazily shaded under a large apple tree. The garden dropped away below this revealing all manner of tropical and indigenous trees, shrubs and plants that led to the river below.

From Arron

The Retreat Center in The Sacred Valley

In the house the large kitchen had an inviting trestle table (although I was not to eat until the next morning due to fasting for the first ceremony). Through the kitchen into the hall revealed the wooden slat stairs. Up in the top landing to the left was a large communal bedroom with such comfortable and luxurious mattresses and bedding. I was a little disappointed to be sharing, but for a dorm room, it was five star. The ceiling in the bedroom consisted of large bamboo running from one end to the other. The bathroom, squat yet cute, roofed with see through corrugated thick perspex allowed the sun to shine through giving a feeling of warmth. Out of every window of this house the green lush mountains could be seen often topped with clouds offering a certain ambiance to the whole scene. The last room, accessed around the back of the staircase was the ceremony room.

From Arron

Our Pacha Mama Ceremony Shaman and a Giant.

From Arron

The Shaman and the view from the Retreat

At around 4pm we were required to attend the ceremony to Mother Earth, or Pacha Mama. Our second Shaman in traditional Peruvian dress led us to the lower garden and we sat facing him on the cushions as the ceremony was explained to us via our translator Freddy. The Shaman had a small bag of around 50-60 items. Each represented something in life, there were aspects from all plantations of life; Mother Earth, the mountains (that are viewed as Gods), love, union, money, houses, music, conversation and on and on. I cannot remember them all. Each was represented by something from the earth (or sometimes it seemed from the local corner shop). Seeds, sugar, beans, biscuits, sweets, flowers and much more came out of the bag. He was creating an offering to Pacha Mama to help us experience a good ceremony with Ayahuasca that evening. The ceremony took about an hour and involved many prayers, mediation and for me, watching in a kind of ´wanting to believe, but not quite sure what is going on´ kind of way. I did remain respectful though and did everything that was asked of me. Including praying. The Shaman made a package in paper with love and care over this hour with all of the ingredients and then wrapped them tightly together with string. He preyed over each of us in turn using the package to touch our head and shoulders.
We were then told not to look at the Shaman as he made his way to the river and gave the package to Mother Earth. It´s funny how my thoughts considered the bio-biodegradability of all the ingredients and this went on. Sure enough it was all biodegradable. I like that. (:

We went inside to rest for the evenings ceremony. At 7pm we went to the ceremony room. A simple room with two entrances, one from inside the house, the other from outside. Cushions and sleeping bags were placed all around the room. We chose a spot each and then got into a conversation about Ayahuasca. We were told everything we needed to know prior to the ceremony and all of our questions were answered. It made me feel a lot better as I really was still not sure what to expect. Our third and final Shaman, Enith, came into the room in traditional dress. I was actually quite pleased that she was a she. Something about the Mother Earth thing and women generally having more empathy than men. She took the bottle containing Ayahuasca (that is plastic as the Ayahuasca releases gasses apparently and can break glass bottles). She began to whisper whistle (is the only way I can describe it)into the bottle and we meditated. this went on for about 20 minutes. I thought about the book I heard about called ¨The Hidden Messages in Water¨ by Masaru Emoto. A brief summary from Amazon:
¨The Hidden Messages in Water is an eye-opening theory showing how water is deeply connected to people's individual and collective consciousness. Drawing from his own research, scientific researcher, healer, and popular lecturer Dr. Masaru Emoto describes the ability of water to absorb, hold, and even retransmit human feelings and emotions. Using high-speed photography, he found that crystals formed in frozen water reveal changes when specific, concentrated thoughts are directed toward it. Music, visual images, words written on paper, and photographs also have an impact on the crystal structure.¨
I was sure that this was she was doing, getting the Ayahuasca ready and positively charged, ready for our ceremony.

It was now time to start. We were asked why we wanted to take Ayahuasca as She (Ayahuasca) can only work with us if we are prepared to work on ourselves. So we do the work and She guides us. I got the reasoning, I liked it a lot actually. But this question stumped me. Why did I? Experience..? Fun..? No, that was not it. Luckly the Begium lady went first and gave her reasons. She also had a translator for French to Spanish so all conversations were taking twice as long as the information warranted, but this was good as it gave me more time to think. Finally attention was placed upon me and I still had no reason. So I just relaxed and said what came out of my mouth. ¨I want to open my heart and find out what love is.¨ I felt a little foolish, saying something so cheesy, but at the same time I felt that this was what I really wanted. It seemed to go down quite well in the group and the guy from Canada (the French translator) said that he really liked my reason. This gave my ego more confidence.

There were many people in the room. Of course there was the Belgium Lady and me. Also there was the Shaman and her sister, the French Translator and his girlfriend (who is interestingly the daughter of the first Shaman we had seen that day, she certainly had his intense eyes), then the English Translator and his colleague (who was on some work experience I think). So in the room of eight people, only two of us were taking part in the Ayahuasca ceremony. The rest were there to help us and guide us through our first ceremony, which is also called the cleansing ceremony. It was quite weird thinking that we effectively had 3 people each helping us, but also quite reassuring as they were all fairly experienced. The Cleansing Ceremony is always thus as the first ever Ayahuasca for anyone, it works to cleanse your body of all negativity, bad spirits and illness. It works differently for everyone depending on your conditioning and personal physical and psychological history.

From Arron

The Ayahuasca Shaman, Enith, Cleaning the room with Tobacco

The Shaman lit up her pipe and it was explained that tobacco has long been used to help Ayahuasca do Her job. Tobacco like all plants is believed to have its own spirit that manifests in her own way. This spirit helps to clean the room and our bodies (yes the irony of tobacco cleaning is clear to me, but we are talking spirits here, not Western science). After some time of filling the room with smoke she passed each of the two of us about half a pint of Ayahuasca in a cheap vending machine style plastic cup.

From Arron

I looked at this brown/grey liquid and really considered it. The reasons I was taking it. What I wanted from it. We were advised to meditate and pray prior to drinking it and whilst drinking it. The emphasis is always on self help. I meditated for a few minutes and then downed it in one. It tasted really horrible. As I mentioned earlier like a really bitter soya sauce.

We sat back and meditated again as we waited. Images soon began to fill the back of my eyelids. Simple, geometric shapes floating and interacting with one another. nothing special, but it indicated that it had begun.

Before I get into what happened next I would like to mention a few things about praying. Those of you that know me know that i am not religious. I do not subscribe to any doctrine although i do tend toward the teaching of Buddhism. The words Praying and God always filled me with a kind of revulsion and instant dislike. Recently I have really considered semantics and the meaning behind words. What is Praying and what is God? My conditioning pushed me toward rejection of these words however looking past this, what do they mean to me?
I do believe that we are all connected with an energy field. We are all made up of stardust, everything in the universe is made of the same matter (at least in this universe). That matter is bound somehow through a consciousness. Everything has this, rocks, trees, stars, us. It is what holds the molecules, cells or whatever else together. It is what I would call our being or our essence (well Eckhart Tolle calls it that and I use the words as they work for me). Now when it comes to the words praying, I simply substitute something like ´aligning energies from ones body to co-incide with the universe. Positively charging cells to resonate and to interact with the energy all around us.´ Cosmic Ordering is another way of putting it (google this is you´re not sure what this is). With the term God, it is the energy that we are aligning, the energy that we are all part of, that the earth and everything in it is part of, that that the universe is part of. Consider for a moment your own beliefs and how you might word the meanings of these words to yourself. What I say is neither right nor wrong. It simply works for me.

The next part of the trip is a bit blurry. I remember needing the toilet, one of the guys helped me to the bathroom. His face was animated like a cartoon. When i got to the bathroom and closed the door, I was alone. The candlelight proved to create a weird context in this red brick tiled large bathroom that was breathing and going rather peculiar. I knew what I had to do, I just didn´t know how to. I figured it out in the end and sorted myself out. I was helped back from the bathroom and joined the main group. I lay down and pulled my sleeping bag over me and put on my rather fetching Peruvian hat I had bought a couple of days before. It says ´Peru´ on it.

The temperature changes that hit my body went from one extreme to the other. I was then sick. It is actually very normal to vomit whilst on Ayahuasca, it is considered part of the cleansing. They have a bucket ready for each of us for this exact purpose. The light was then turned off as it is more conducive to visions.

The Shaman started singing, although it was some time before I became aware of it. A repetitive melody of around 20-30 notes sung in a dialect unique to her village in the Amazon. The melody contained slight variations in note pitch and timing. In the Soprano almost falsetto range range with vibrato indicative of the Inca style of singing. It was some time before I was aware of anything. It was as if the world had gone quiet and black. Then it felt warm and feelings started to rush into my body. I felt as if in a womb. Please don´t ask me how I knew this, I just did. Perhaps we all inherently know the feeling from the 9 months we spent in one. The singing continued over and over, it provided some kind of context, security and stability to the place I did not know, but did. I guess it was kind of like an umbilical cord.
I felt warm and loved. As if the whole world was hugging me. the whole of Mother nature was caring for me. I remember feeling more comfortable and safe than I ever have.
Kaleidoscopic colours and lights of incredible and unknown proportions were filling not just my vision, but my body and everything I knew. Time ceased to exist. I then met what was later described by the Shaman as my Spiritual Mother. She came to tell me everything was okay and that I was loved. I had so many questions, She responded where She could. I will try to relate some of these, but I will certainly be paraphrasing.
¨Why Ayahuasca, why a vine?¨
¨Why not? it is only a medium and is not important¨

¨Why are we alive? What is the point when it is so great here in this place?¨
¨So many questions...¨ She smiled ¨Perhaps the point is to learn and be happy¨

¨What is this place?¨
To this my vision grew stronger and it was as if I were in a garden and a nursery rolled into one. The Shamans umbilical singing was coming from the sky and there was just joy, bliss and awareness. My Spiritual Mother showed me that this was just one dimension. I asked why it was like this here; joy, bliss, love? She responded that if we exist then we have the choice of how we exist. So why not choose joy, bliss, love. And I got it. It was simple. Well I got it for a while. Whilst I was lying there in my sleeping bag that I was blissfully unaware of I remember saying ¨I get Cha, I get Cha¨ and ¨yep¨and ¨awesome¨ and really really getting it. The point to life. It felt wonderful and simple. I totally got that I have a choice. I got that this was it. This was everything I had been looking for. Love. Complete. Unrestricted. Coming from within me. Everything was perfect. What I didn´t really get at that moment was that this was induced through the Ayahuasca and that I would have to work at getting it when not on the Ayahuasca, but at least it had shown me the goal. It gave me the direction.

From Arron

My Buddha joined me for the Ceromonies, thanks Adam. (:


Then, as with everything in life the next stage in the trip began. Somehow I realised that I couldn´t stay like this, I was going to have to be ´born´. I really did not want this. I wanted to stay. I want I want I want. I was being like a baby, being like the ego, not accepting it for what it was.

Someone tapped me on the shoulder in the physical world. ¨Arron¨, they probably had to repeat it a couple of times ¨Arron¨. It sounded like they were in a metal room, the reverberations sounding jagged and small. I asked if the voice was my guide, she said ¨Focus, concentrate please¨.
¨Please sit up¨.
I didn´t want to. I was in baby mode and didn´t really know how to use my body. More to the point I hadn´t figured out how to tell my body to work, I couldn´t really be bothered.
¨Please sit up Arron¨ I suddenly sat up.
¨Drink some water please¨. A bottle was passed to me with the lid off and I drank.

These guys really took care of us, and continued to all night.

I lay down again and then there are fragments. I was sick again, I felt as if I has released liquid from every orifice, later I discovered that I hadn´t and was rather pleased about that. I began talking, not to anyone in particular. It was as if the internal dialogue that we all have, that I have was reversed and had to be externalised. The conversation with myself began with teaching myself to get up.

Someone in the room said to focus. I knew it was to me as English was only spoken when directed at me. I put out a hand and asked for someone to take it, for someone to help me. No one took it.
¨Help yourself¨ came the answer from Sandra, the Peruvian daughter of the first Shaman Angel. I remembered words spoken earlier about the emphasis being on me doing the work, upon learning. ¨How?¨ I called out. I was totally flummoxed.
¨Look into your heart¨ she replied. I sat up eventually, I have no recollection of how long it took. I still could not stand though. The words I was speaking were flowing incessantly. So much swearing, random flying thoughts in and out. My head felt empty though. It was as if my mind was the world outside observing and my mind was reversed and could only externalise to the outside world. I thought about this later and it was as if my ego were literally turned inside out. The swearing was a frustration at all of my thoughts being externalised, good, bad and downright ugly. It was certainly strange to really observe my ego in such a way. At the time, it was not only strange, it was horrible. Imagine if you had to verbalise all of your thoughts, even the ones that you catch that are really negative toward someone or something. The experience showed me the insanity of the ego that we become so good at covering up.

I remember the Belgium Lady crying so hard and for so long, the light came on and she was hugging the Shaman, like a child. Later she looked so happy and joyful. I admit I felt envy, but also happiness for her. The light coming on helped me to chill the trip for a bit. The light went out again after some time. Then everything shifted again. My visions changed.

I was observing myself, I was blue (like the Hare Krishna blue) and was sitting cross legged, meditating in the lotus position. I was in a glass pod that was all encasing but had many sides. I became aware of a serpent flying around and around the pod. Somehow I simply knew that the serpent was all of my negative energy. Anger, resentment, guilt and all manner of negative stuff. It also represented every negative decision, action and consequence in my life.

I discovered that I could watch this serpent/demon and it could do nothing. However as soon as my attention was elsewhere, outside the Now, it could and often would strike in the form of sadness, depression, addiction, anger etc. I wanted to face it and banish it. I didn´t want to look over my should for the rest of my life. However it was incredibly sneaky and very very good at hiding. I began to grow frustrated and lose control. Anger surged through me and I began to swear more. Then the growling started. From deep within me, deep guttural growls rose, sharp heavy breathing too, I could only control it when I concentrated properly. But it kept coming. I became the serpent for a time.

I really felt the absolute insanity of being out of control and in the grip of the ego. I was not externally aggressive toward anyone and showed respect most of the time when asked questions. However I could not accept that this was my ego that was being shown to me and I fought hard against it.

Some time later the insanity had dissipated and been replaced with contemplatativeness and depression. I had not faced my demon, my serpent. I went to bed some time after that, my brain was still so active that i slept little.

Day 2

The next morning we got up early and had our second offering to Mother Earth, Pacha Mama. This was to be the Yin to last nights Yang. Again we meditated and prayed. Again the Shaman who conducted the first offering ceremony made a package similar to the last but with opposite ingredients. At the end of making the package he again preyed to Pacha Mama to help guide our ceremony for this coming evening and to thank her for helping us the previous night. I concentrated on aligning my energies toward receiving Mother Earths Love in the coming ceremony. I was still not convinced what this was doing, but I persevered in aligning my energies with what I knew I needed. The package was then burnt on a fire. This fire was on rocks placed over a stream and I became aware that we had the four ancient elements contains in the offering. Fire, Earth, Water and Air. Even if that meant nothing, it couldn´t hurt to recognise it.
After that we went inside to have breakfast. A welcome treat after fasting the whole day before. Breakfast came and went and it was soon time to talk to the Shaman to interpret the visions of the day before.

From Arron

The Shaman Interpreting the Visions of the Belguim lady in the Garden.


We sat in the same room as the night before, so different in the warm light of day. I recalled most of the things I have mentioned here, including many of the things I have not. It truly felt as if I had been reborn, although I did not feel particularly good about this, even then. As I talked, I recalled the kaleidoscopic but dark nursery/garden, the voice of the Shaman being like the midwife and umbilical cord. How I knew nothing. How like a baby I felt. I recalled the glass pod and serpent and this was the important interpretation for me. I was told that the serpent often arises in ceremonies for many people. It is not negativity but is Ayahuasca. She (Ayahuasca) is taking all negativity and eating it. I had tried to fight Her so She could not do Her job. After all, the emphasis is on me choosing to change, not Ayahuasca choosing. She will do its job, but only if I let go and let Her.

The glass pod, the Shaman said, was my heart. I am a good person and am in there, but my heart was closed still. This was important advice for me for the next ceremony this coming evening. Spending the day day relaxing and meditating I felt much better and in a more controlled place to let Ayahuasca guide me. I felt that I would certainly learn to control myself in the coming ceremony sand at the same time relinquish all control over what is. The visions, the Ayahuasca, the lessons and anything else. I knew now that Ayahuasca would teach me, but only if I allowed her too.

The second ceremony started much the same as the first. Aligning the molecules in the Ayahuasca, considering and meditating on what we wanted to achieved from tonight's ceremony. I really reflected on getting in touch with my inner being. Getting touch with my heart.

When it came to drinking I was handed half the amount I had been given the previous evening and told that I had to learn to control myself. I was actually quite pleased about this. I knew I could control myself tonight as I had spent all day preparing for it and knew much more about what to expect. It tasted far worse that the previous evening, imagine downing soya sauce but far more acidic and forgetting to hold your nose. I sat, meditating for about 20 minutes on what I wanted from tonight. I became aware of movement in the dark, behind my eyelids and was then fairly harshly sick, again all part of the cleansing.

From Arron

Meditating, preparing to drink


My first vision was of my heart, a long way off. thousands of serpents were making for it. Remembering what I had learnt the night before I let them do their job. I watched as the made it black with their bodies (interestingly it was in 2D), I envisioned my heart leaving my body, floating to the Gods above, I left them to it. Somehow my heart left my body another two times and the whole area behind my sternum became cold, almost numb. I waited in a state of trace and meditation.

Suddenly realising that my heart was back in my body I began to feel it again. It dawned on me that I could hear it too. Ayahuasca had shown me how my mind was always trying to control, usurping anything the heart and body was telling it. my heart had always been open, I just never knew how to listen to it. So I listened. It showed me love. I knew that what I was seeking was within me. My heart and mind in union. Working together, understanding. My mind promised to learn not to control, my heart promised to speak louder and more clearly. When my heart spoke it was not through the mind, I just felt it and knew what it was saying. if it had of spoken through the mind I would have known that it was the ego identifying with a new form and idea and continuing in its normal insane state.

My Heart had bought me here. It had sent me on this quest to discover love. I discovered that all types of love - family, friends, lovers, humans in general, Mother Earth; Starts within me. unconditional love starts within me. loving myself. listening to myself. In unison. I spent a fair while getting to know me. it felt truly joyous.

I saw the serpent from the night before, but this time knowing it was Ayahuasca I let it come. I let it enter me and then i knew. The serpent eliminated negativity, it represented my strength, my courage, my honour, my powerful, gentle self. I felt so powerful yet so controlled. i felt my blood move throughout my entire body, I breathed deeply and felt the air give me life. My chin strutted forward, my chest puffed out. I was still lying with my head propped, grounded in my body, but i knew I could do anything I set my mind to.
I became a hybrid of a man and an eagle. Standing at the edge of a cliff knowing I could fly. A strange sensation when i was was fully aware of my body and the room i was lying in. A duality of power and calm. I could see my feathers and beak in my third eye. Ayahuasca then told me that I could be this eagle anytime I wish to. I am the eagle, the serpent. The serpent and the eagle is me.
I understood to not fight who i am. To love myself and know myself. Truly be myself and to recognise the facets that this involves. The union of mind and body again. Then i can be anyone and anything I wish to be. I wish to be me. To use the talents and gifts bestowed upon me from birth. How that manifests for the rest of my life is going to be exciting to explore.

The Shaman told me that this is good. That I am learning to control myself and to respect my body. I am growing and maturing. The Ayahuasca is guiding me.

Various lovers from my life came into my visions. I realised how I always looked for love in another. A conditional and fragile love based upon what the other person can provide. Ayahuasca showed me that by loving myself, all other love can take care of itself. If I love myself I don´t need the love of another to help make me feel complete. I can choose to love them. A very different game. But an easy one when you love yourself. Love just radiates naturally. This is true for family love, friendship love, partner love and general love of life and nature. Suddenly loving others is not work or ever tiresome. It is joyful.

I had many visions about specific lovers from my past and came to many realisations about them and about me. I shall not mention these any further however as they are personal to these women and I respect that. I will discuss it with them privately.

This evenings ceremony had been enlightening and revealing, but I knew that I had more to learn from Ayahuasca and although was tired looked forward to the third and final ceremony to really explore love and my inner being.

From Arron

Day 4 - The final session.
After two days off, this final ceremonial day was upon us, upon me. the Belgium Lady had left, but the French Canadian guy Robin was to join me in tonight's ceremony.
In the morning Freddy and I got up early and walked half way up one of the local mountains. I was so tired as my body is so out of shape, but Freddy was patient with me and the two hours walk was finished nicely with a fruit breakfast back at the center. The rest of the morning was spent meditating, relaxing and doing yoga. The evening came about before too long. Time really seemed to go fast in this magical place.
before the ceremony I was ready, but no one else seemed to be so I read some of the book by Eckhart Tolle ´The Power of Now´. The synchronicity of what Tolle talked about in the section I read was fantastic. one thing really helped me. He talked about reading and listening with every pore, every cell in you body. This is a great practice for all external communication and interactions. he also talked about space and how physically manifested forms cannot exist without space and vice-verca. The same applies of sound and silence. These became incredibly poinient later in the evening.

The ceremony began with the same rituals. The vibe in the was different now with a different make up of people. Robin sat to my left now. We went through our personal energy alignments, now becoming easier and easier to manifest and maintain. It was time to drink for the last time. My cup was 80% full tonight. i down it in one and sat back to meditate and reflect on tonight's reasons for the ceremony. Tonight I really wanted to further my awareness of the Now and to explore various facets of life including sexual energy and many (yeah a funny combination I know.) 20-25 minutes later I was sick. This time it was different. it was controlled and conscious. i learnt to appreciate and even be glad of it as it cleansed my body.

My first vision I remember a mass of black. So dark I could only make it out by the edges. I knew this was an infinite amount of serpents, they rushed into my heart as one. The whole area became warm, hot even. I trusted Ayahuasca now and knew that the serpents would help me. i let them do their job and went back to meditating.

Visions appeared. The first of a forest in the sky, floating. I could see it and I allowed myself to become the eagle again. I was really learning how to control my inner power. This time I was a hybrid of a man and eagle. Again I felt the air rush into my lungs, my chin strut out, my nostril flared and I could feel the power within me. Then came the knowledge that was necessary, I understood that I could access this power whenever I wished too, but with it to understand that I must use it wisely, to never lose touch with my body and its limitations. To respect that what is in the present, in the now is always more powerful and must be allowed to be experienced at all times to remain grounded and controlled. The Zen saying applies here I feel: ´walking quietly with a big stick´, perhaps reflect upon it if you don´t understand it yet.

I had many visions and realisations about my sexual being that I shall keep private, but i learnt about control and the need to choose a partner consciously rather than unconsciously in an animistic procreationistic way. I recognised peoples choice to be with each other, whatever their reasoning and to respect their decision. I cried at times during some realisations. As I wiped away the tears i became aware that these were from my body and were to be loved also. As was any other excretion from the body; spit, vomit etc. As strange as that may sound. The more you can love everything about your body and all its aspects, the more you can feel at peace.

I had so many visions about a great deal of things in my life. i was granted the gift of aware sight for this night. To be aware of unconsciousness in myself and others when it arises, to have compassion for it and bring consciousness to it with love and understanding. With appropriateness for any given situation. With humbleness in the knowledge that many people are my teachers and many are my students and to take responsibility for them and myself.

The eagle returned and showed me how to be majestic, how to hold myself, how to interact with others and be in the moment. I felt like an oak tree growing at speed. Solid. Majestic. Powerful. Graceful. Humble.

Later on I remember sitting in the Lotus position, the room, dark and quite. I recognised the space between objects. I recognised the silence between sounds. Time ceased to exist. there was only now. In all its peacefulness and stillness. Simply being was a joy. I felt my Buddha emerge.

I went to bed some while later and lay in bed all night, getting about 30 minutes sleep. i had so many visions and realisations all night.

From Arron

Are they Short or am I tall? Does it matter?

Conclusion of the retreat

This was by far the most profound and enlightening experience of my life. I am fully aware that I was on a psychoactive substance, one of the most powerful known to man. I am fully aware that what I experienced was in a setting conducive to calm and peaceful being. But what I have learnt is the choice of control. Control over everything i do. Everything I say. Everything I am. Control over listening to my heart and my head in unison and recognising unconsciousness in its many forms. When unconsciousness manifests in me i have learnt to see it with compassion and love and return to the natural state of being, even if this takes some time. As with anything practice will make it easier.

I understand that this will take constant practice and discipline. It is not anything i have suddenly got and will continue to have without work on my part. It is the teaching, the learning and the being. It is knowing where peace is to be found and knowing how to find it. It is knowing how powerful love is and how everything is bought into the light when shown it. Unconsciousness cannot co-exist with awareness, with consciousness. The words or Eckhart Tolle. It is knowing these words deep within me and practicing them for the rest of my life. It is about controlling myself, not the world around me. It is about accepting what is with love and not fighting it. It is about being humble, graceful and powerful. It is about life and consciously growing. It is about helping others, in whatever way you can. it is about serving yourself and others. After all if we have to exist, why not make it the best damn life we possibly can? Life is for living. Life is for loving and knowing the Buddha and God within you.

From Arron