Motivation is a funny thing. Sometimes it comes in such great abundance and other times not really at all. I am finding this post hard to write at this moment for instance. I lack motivation. There is only the one thing that has got me writing this; exploring my internal conditions in this way often helps to bring them to the forefront and to see them for what they are. What ever that is, but at least it is not unknown then. When we can clearly see something it is never really a problem any more. Its the cloud of emotions and thoughts that stop us realising our true potential. It is also the clouds of thoughts and emotions that lead us to our true potential. I love the paradox.
Conditions affect motivation so greatly for many of us; work, friends, amount of sleep, when and what food/drink was last consumed, what was done over the weekend (that is possibly still being payed for), what is on the TV etc.
Then there is the sidestep conditions; My room must be tidy before I can possibly do any work in it!; Just get the shopping in so that I can forget about it for the week; Just cook dinner, well I've bought all that nice food so I will cook something really special that takes a while...
Actually its quite amazing what I suddenly find interesting in a bid to avoid something.
It's normally done in the name of getting things done, we do everything else except the one thing we needed to do, then when everything else is done we've often conveniently forgotten what it was that we had to do.
Haha, I literally just spent the last 45 minutes looking at something else and forgot about this blog post even. This is certainly a funny place to be. A twisty, twiney, sharp and irritable place. It is made all the more fascinating by the fact that I can see it there. I can notice my reaction to things and if you think about the word reaction it is to repeat an action, so do something from before and not something new. An action is new and reaction is old and based on a program of the mind. So why, if I can see this program of the mind, this reaction, do I still respond to it?
Well lets look at what is a program of the mind.
Its like a computer program, it is literally programmed into our subconscious over a period of time. Sometimes it can take a manner of seconds to program some things (such as a phobia) and sometimes we have to really work at it (did anyone actually enjoy their first cigarette as a teenager?).
However these programs come into being, they are very real for us and have conditions to run, like all programs. These conditions, if not met, cause a sub program to run. For me, a condition might be something such as "I must eat at least every four hours" if this program is not met then the resulting sub program means that I will get irritable and control the situation seriously hard in order to get myself food. (often referred to as "throwing my toys out of my cot")
This is just one example but in essence it involves me expecting situations or people to be a certain way and when they are not I try to mold reality around me to get 'What I Want' and allow the orginal program to run. This program runs to make me feel within my comfort zone. Better the devil we know. Programs work on logic and repetition, not on sense and sanity. And after all, without these programs to make up my identity, who would I be?
Of course I am Arron, The smaller 'me' is (by smaller I don't mean worse, I simply mean the me that was born, lives and dies). It is my identity. I respond and react in ways that make up my personality and social situations occur around me based upon this personality and where it is in its programmic cycles. Of course we call this my conditioning. I can be very controlling and attempt to mold the world around me all the time. When I inevitably cannot I get upset.
A wonderful analogie that someone close to me came up with was that it is a bit like each of our lives being a parachute. The wind of Life comes and blows in an attempt to make us fly. But NO, we want to pin our parachutes down and retain some illusion of control. Trouble is that our attempts are so futile that they are simply like trying to use a thumb tack to pin the parachute down. Then we get annoyed when the thumb tack inevitably doesn't work.
The more I learn to let go of trying to control the more I find that Life has taken hold of my parachute and is whisking me off to magical lands to see things I never knew existed. I never know what is going to happen, but it can be as exciting or as annoying as I choose. I simply have to remind myself of this on a constant basis and remember and remember that the only control I ever have is to let go of control. Everything else I am just kidding myself with.
I suppose that from this uncontrolled and fresh place is where unconditional Life comes from.
So perhaps this is what awakening is referred to as. Becoming aware of such programs and reactions and having the choice to change them. Having the choice not only to reprogram but to disregard the programs altogether should we choose. This is not a breakdown of our identity but a transcendence. A breakdown would infer a lack of choice. Now don't get me wrong I have not run away to join a cult. I am not renouncing my personality. I can still be a right cunt sometimes. Actually I probably have an ego larger than most of you (haha does that even take a large ego to say that?!?).
I've been asleep for most of my life and recently I have begun to awaken to myself. It's pretty incredible. More and more I can notice it when I am... uncouth; both to myself and to others. And I have the choice. More often that not I choose to try to get to the root of why I feel like this. Not by analysing the past but by being present, right now. Meditation is a wonderful source for this. I am learning to observe my thoughts and feelings more and more and realise that they are not me. They actually have no power over me other than the power I give them. I think I am off to meditate now. Have a good one. Peace and love to you. (:
